remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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