I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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