talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
