i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
