Can i not drive my cunt home
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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