just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
When are your genitals available?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
