taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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