You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
