Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
