Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
