my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
