I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
