Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
