Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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