I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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