cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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