Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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