If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
