So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I looked at my own cervix.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
