Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
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We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
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He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize