When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
