WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
