I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
