i jhust puked up my retainher.
She is in my trunk
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
