Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
