I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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