She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
