I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
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Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
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Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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