i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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