my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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