My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
