The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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