I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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