Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
