i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
