Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(816): View more from Missouri

We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.

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(816): We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs. http://tfl.nu/qooi

Replies (24) Good night (4793) Bad night (991)
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(503): View more from Oregon

My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers

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(503): My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers http://tfl.nu/ouvx

Replies (25) Good night (4471) Bad night (1763)
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(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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(519): You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do. http://tfl.nu/ggug

Replies (29) Good night (6601) Bad night (1267)
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(270): View more from Kentucky

The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...

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(270): The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips... http://tfl.nu/unl6

Replies (8) Good night (5544) Bad night (1690)
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(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

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(402): when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case" http://tfl.nu/zxvf

Replies (15) Good night (4678) Bad night (4149)
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(763): View more from Minnesota

Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.

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(763): Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/1p73

Replies (1) Good night (1581) Bad night (605)
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs

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(724): Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs http://tfl.nu/vayg

Replies (5) Good night (1234) Bad night (518)
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(661): View more from California

Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.

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(661): Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting. http://tfl.nu/cxg1

Replies (4) Good night (548) Bad night (1658)
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.

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(570): the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year. http://tfl.nu/g3sd

Replies (4) Good night (1642) Bad night (510)
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(720): View more from Colorado

Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having

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(720): Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having http://tfl.nu/k4bc

Replies (3) Good night (927) Bad night (592)
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(304): View more from West Virginia

That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.

(304): View more from West Virginia

Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?

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(304): That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try. (304): Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone? http://tfl.nu/y8p7

Replies (10) Good night (677) Bad night (1368)
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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.

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(787): I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house. http://tfl.nu/o0ch

Replies (1) Good night (734) Bad night (326)
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(331): View more from Illinois

Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!

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(331): Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws! http://tfl.nu/1f2r

Replies (0) Good night (568) Bad night (317)
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...

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(603): I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked... http://tfl.nu/22n2

Replies (4) Good night (443) Bad night (822)
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(613): View more from Ontario

LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE

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(613): LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE http://tfl.nu/eazz

Replies (2) Good night (226) Bad night (116)

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