the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"