Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
