I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
