The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
