Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
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I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize