I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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