After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
