When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
