If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dear god my vagina.
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