so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he puts the penis in happiness.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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