I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
