I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
