You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I did not marry a roomba.
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