So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
