we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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