Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Im part way to drunk.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
