don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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