Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
