I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
