omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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