He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
