Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
