dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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